I’ve always had a hard time making friends.
I have my reasons.
Growing up, I kept my Spina Bifida a secret.
I kept the fact that I wore a diaper a secret. I tried to keep it all a secret.
And now, I’ll try to tell you why.
First, before I get started, nobody reading this knows the person in this story.
He’s not from my hometown. He’s not from your hometown.
And, he shall remain “Nameless.”
In fact, I’m going to call him “Nameless.”
“Nameless” and I had become friends really fast.
I mean, overnight.
Have you ever met someone and become instant friends? It’s a great feeling. It’s like you were friends all along. Even though you just met.
I was on Cloud Nine that I had made this new friend.
Each day, he’d walk over to our house, and we’d hang out.
He and I both played guitar, so we’d jam out together.
I hadn’t told him about my Spina Bifida and wasn’t about to either.
One day, I made the mistake of leaving him alone in my bedroom while I walked out to the mailbox to check the mail.
While standing at the mailbox, looking through the mail, “Nameless” walked out of the house and toward the road. He passes me at the mailbox while he’s walking.
The words that came out of his mouth have made their way into my night terrors many times. To this day, I think about them.
As he walks by, he says, “You wear diapers, and I’m outta here.” And he keeps walking on down the road.
I kept my diapers hidden in my bedroom, and he had found them.
I ran back to my bedroom to see what all he’d found.
He had put all my medical supplies, which were hidden, in the middle of the floor in my room. So, he had seen all of it.
He and I never talked again.
This experience would alter my life.
I hated myself.
I hated my Spina Bifida.
I hated people.
And, worst of all, I grew a hatred for God.
I vowed never to tell anybody about my Spina Bifida.
For many years, I blamed myself for our friendship ending.
I thought it was my fault for not hiding my supplies better.
I thought, “If I’d hidden my supplies better, we’d still be friends…”
And I blamed God. I’m embarrassed and sorry for that.
As an adult, he probably doesn’t even remember saying those words.
I’ve never forgotten them, though.
“You wear diapers, and I’m outta here.”
And, once I began having night terrors, which is another story, those words would find their way into many of my terrors.
“You wear diapers, and I’m outta here.”
So, I’ve always had a hard time making friends.
In fact, I was friends with my best friend for ten years before I told him about my diapers. Ten Years.
I don’t drink anymore, but I did back then.
He and I got drunk, and I told him.
He’s the one who got me feeling comfortable with telling people.
I can still hear my best friend saying, “You waited TEN YEARS to tell me! TEN YEARS! Lynn, you should’ve told me long ago. We’re friends.”
And his words altered my life as well. His words may have put me back on the right track.
Because of my friend and how great he is to me, I tell everyone within the first hour of meeting them.
I’m open about it.
Maybe too open…
I once told a girl on our first date. —While sitting in a restaurant.— Before we had even ordered our Appetizers.
“I hear this restaurant is great.” She said.
“Look, I have Spina Bifida. I have a Colostomy and Urostomy. I hear the fried pickles are good. Want to order an appetizer? Oh, and I can’t have sex.”
So, yes, I have a tough time making friends. (And going on dates)
And I think much of it came out of that one experience.
“You wear diapers, and I’m outta here.”
Words can be stronger than a Nuclear Weapon. I know this personally.
As I said, he probably doesn’t remember saying those words.
I have never forgotten them, though.
I know, as an adult, he probably would never say such a thing.
Kids can be mean.
But I still have a hard time making friends.
And I think much of it comes from this one experience.
I realize this story is a bit of a downer. So for that, I’m sorry.
It is part of my story, though, and I felt it needed to get told.
It is part of Walking with Spina Bifida.
