—The After Effects of Suicide—
I pulled into the parking lot and parked.
The Cemetery was in front of me.
I noticed that the tree he was buried under had been cut down to make room for more Burial Plots.
It had been Twenty-Eight or Twenty-Nine Years since I was last here.
I got out of my Truck.
Outside the Truck, I stood, looked, and took in a deep breath. I noticed a Mother and her son visiting a grave. Other than them, the place was empty. I walked to his grave.
It was close to thirty years ago now.
I noticed the Headstone.
I remember when we buried him, there was no Headstone.
I stare at it.
As I stared, something built up inside me.
Still, I stared. I mumbled the word “Friends.”
Something was building up in me, though, and was getting stronger and stronger.
Then, out of nowhere, I began screaming.
“F* You! F* You! F* You F* You!”
“You Fed me up!” “F You!”
“G* D* You, G* D* You, G* D* You!”
I fell to my knees.
Then I heard the Mom say, “Run, Timmy, go back to the car.”
I was still on my knees.
“Your Mom had to identify your body… —Your Headless body…”
Tears were streaming down my face—Snot coming out of my nose.
“How does a mom identify a f*ing Headless body?”
“She had to identify her Headless Son. Her Baby. How do you do that?”
“G* D* You!”
I threw up.
The sound “Eeeeeeeee” came out of my mouth.
On my knees, with my head on the ground and my hands holding the grass, I say, “My Therapist says you thought you were letting me in on something special. You were giving me a ‘Gift’ of some kind. She said you let me in on it because you loved me.”
I throw up again.
“I watched satan beat the hell out of your Mother at the Funeral… She was hurting badly. He beat her and beat her.”
I look at the Headstone and wipe my nose.
“You know I secretly keep up with your Mom online.”
“She talks of you often. She loved you so, so…” I break down again.
“G* D* You! F* You! She is still hurting!”
My head was on the ground. My hands grasp the grass.
“I Swear to God I would have thrown you in the Car and taken you to the Hospital!”
—When someone is hurting mentally, you don’t see it. It’s hidden in the brain.
—Silence for a few seconds
“I swear… I would’ve taken you to the Hospital. Please forgive me, God. Please, Please forgive me. I didn’t know the Shotgun was in his car. I swear, I didn’t know. I was just a kid. I didn’t know it was real!”
I wipe my eyes.
I stand up and wipe the grass off my knees and clothes.
—Silence for a few seconds
“When you pulled the trigger, you know……I was no longer a Kid.”
“You took that from me. I was different from that point on. Never to be the same.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I couldn’t see inside your brain. I couldn’t see the pain. Depression doesn’t work that way. …There was no bleeding for me to see that you needed to go to the Hospital. …No blood. …Just you talking. …You chose me.”
—Silence
“You know…” I say while thinking about my life, “I wouldn’t have gone to Huntsville if not for you. I would’ve stayed here.”
I say weakly, “I wouldn’t have been so successful.”
“I’m not going to Thank You, though. That’s not happenin’.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“Your Mom had to identify her Headless Son’s Body… —Your Headless Body!”
—Silence for a few seconds
“The Casket felt like it weighed nothing. I wondered if you were even in it.”
“You messed me up…”
I wipe snot from my nose.
Tears slowly streaming down my cheeks.
“But, I’ve had a good life.”
I stare at the grave.
“I can say I’ve been successful. Success doesn’t mean ‘Money,’ you know.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“Certain Smells or Songs set me off. Still. All this time later. I still have breakdowns.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I feel like I got tested that night…and I failed…I failed God…”
—Silence for a few seconds
“God knows I had every opportunity to wrestle you into my car and take you to the Hospital. How long were we out there? Two, Three, Hours?”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I remember that I needed to change my diaper.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I’ll never accept that I did all I could do. —Never. I should’ve done more.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“You chose me.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“You obviously should’ve chosen someone else. Your Mom would’ve helped you.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“You had everything planned. You actually did what a lot of ‘Suicide People’ do for their ‘Big Exit.'”
—Silence for a few seconds
“If I had been trained, I would’ve seen all the signs. …I wasn’t, though. …I was still a kid. …You were just a kid… …we were just kids.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I wasn’t a Kid anymore after that Gunshot.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I know the Flowers here are from your Mom. …She still talks about you…”
—Silence for a few seconds
“Your Headstone is nice.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“Several more people have been buried here since the last time I was here. It’s getting crowded.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I guess it’s been Twenty-Eight or Twenty-Nine Years now.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“You chose me for your final ‘exit.’ You wanted me to be there with you.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I thought I had talked you out of it. You didn’t care, though. You said ‘Yes’ to everything I said just to appease me. You agreed to everything because you were just ‘Playing along’ with me. …You had made your decision and weren’t backing out. …No matter what, you were going through with it. You had made up your mind.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“A trained person would’ve seen all the signs.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I have Night Terrors almost every night of my life.
I wake up to that Gunshot daily. I jump out of my bed, trying to save you from dying. —Almost every night of my life.
I have to sleep with the TV on. …It helps…
—Silence for a few seconds
“I drank in my Twenties and Thirties so I could forget this. So I could sleep. And I worked and worked and worked. All to forget this.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I have been very successful.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I failed you.” I take in a deep breath and exhale. “I’m sorry.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“My Therapist tells me that if someone wants to commit Suicide, and you put them into a Stray Jacket, they’ll still find a way to commit Suicide.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“But you did it on my watch. You called me. Me to come to you. …It was on my watch. Maybe things would have been different if you’d done it a few days later…..Maybe on someone else’s watch. …I don’t know. …You picked me. It was on my watch.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I Pray God forgives me.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“You did F* me up, though. You made it harder to be happy. …And I wanted you to know that.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“Well, I’m gonna go now. I’ll try to come back sooner than Twenty-Eight Years.”
—Silence for a few seconds
“I Love You. We were best friends.”
—Silence for a few seconds
I wipe the snot from my nose.
“Okay, I’m gonna go now. Bye.”
And I head back to my Truck.
—Suicide doesn’t end at the Gunshot. The After Effects go on and on—Forever.
My Therapist thinks this was a good thing for me to do.
